The Summer I Stopped Drinking
It was for love, yet somehow it was the worst summer of my life
I had honestly never thought about my drinking habits. I was the typical party on Friday nights, buy a round of shots for everyone cool cat. I could drink 8 mixed drinks without getting sick. I knew instinctively it wasn’t good for me, yet I kept on with it. The longer I did it, the more nights it entailed. I didn’t know I would soon be looking towards quitting.
It was three years after graduation. He was straight edge, and at the time I guess that I did love him. He was someone who lived for appearances. He wanted to seem like the nice, thoughtful, fun guy to be around- always. Yet, very few would know how hellish it was to be around the version of the unconstructed man. I was one of the unfortunate few to fall into the trap.
I always romanticized giving up something I loved for someone I loved. I refused to let go of my pack a day smoking habit, so drinking seemed like the logical choice.
Besides, in my mind, I always wanted him to know that I chose him over drinking and none of my choices around him were forged by alcohol. I wanted him to know that he was desirable, that he was capable of having a good thing, and that good thing didn’t need her judgment clouded. She just needed him.
At some point that summer, I realized how much better I started to feel without the drinks. I felt more energetic, more alive and more aware of what was going on around me. I also began to see how much I was saving as a result. Honestly, those are the factors that kept me from drinking another bottle.
Things with him kept getting choppier and more hurtful. Despite appearances, the people who loved him the most were the ones who felt the least like a somebody. He had a way of making new people in his life feel amazing and worthwhile. This was not the case with people who stuck with him.
He hurled insults like he was perfect. He did everything that he thought was in his power to hurt me- from flirting with other women to making jokes about my feeling for him and just not showing up if he had the opportunity.
We took a break around May-September and the big break happened in November. I’ve written about him several times as a narcissist, but without him I wouldn’t have quit one of my own worst destructive habits.
I wish that I could say I stayed straight after we split. I didn’t. However, the times that I drank were in very small supply. I would have a few drinks with a few friends about once a month until I would quit it for good in August of 2019- a little over 3 years after initially deciding to quit.
I can honestly say that this was one of my best decisions. It was a personal decision based on a few simple facts:
- I didn’t like the way my judgment was clouded
- I didn’t like how I couldn’t get up and function the next day
- I didn’t like the feeling of masking my feelings
- Drinking made common conversation, remembering things and keeping my wits harder.
So, I guess in a way I can thank him for helping me move past that stage of my life. However, it’s easier to just be glad to have found my path again. Leave him in the dust.
