The Relationship After Self-Imposed Singleness
What I’ve Learned From Dating a Legit Good Guy
In November of 2016, I was with a guy who was toxic for me. It was like dating a Dr. Jackyll and Mr. Hyde character, except after a while you began to see the consistencies.
The outward show was great: caring to a fault, great conversationalist, reliable friend. Behind the scenes: the girl paid for everything, flirtations with other girls played out in front of me, and he led me on until he decided he was bored.
I think a lot of us have dated someone like that. Who didn’t value us the way we should be valued. People that make us feel less than. People that made us question our worth and break us down.
However, for me, this had become a process. As an older mentor friend told me, I could walk into a room filled with guys and find the person who would hurt me the most and choose to have dinner with him. My dating life had been a replay of this, getting slightly worse each time.
The breaking point for me was being called a piece of meat with no value. This was while I was paying the dinner bill after I had treated him to a concert and dinner.
After reflection, I came across the quote “the relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you will have.” I don’t know who that quote came from, but it became my motto.
I allowed the mistreatment to happen to me because my self-placed value was extremely low. If I wanted better, I had to bring my own estimation of myself higher.
It took 3 years (almost to the day). I worked on myself by using my journal for self reflection, taking on 30 day challenges to build strength and began to track the way I was thinking of myself.
I tried things I had been afraid of or thought would be interesting but never made time for. I learned about what formats of self care worked best for me by experimentation.
After 3 years, I had finally learned to be content, to work out my former issues and the damage that had been done. I was okay with being single and realized I wasn’t as afraid of being alone.
Then, the unexpected happened. 2019 was not my best year. I had been laid off twice and took a job that was an extreme pay cut to what I was used to. However, what the new job lacked in financial gain, it made up for in potential of a different kind.
He was my trainer at work. He had a calm demeanor and a patient way of training. He was kind and believed that I could succeed in a job that I had never tried before. He recommended that I was ready to be certified for the job.
He began to slowly get my attention while he was training me. His traits seemed familiar, however for the first time, they seemed like the real deal, not a mask.
Everything about him seemed authentic but the only way I was going to know was by getting to know him better.
One night in November, his car broke down in the parking lot. I took it as a sign that it was time to actually ask to get to know him. I asked him out and he told me that he didn’t know if it’d go anywhere but he was always up to eat.
That was six and a half months ago.
When we first started dating, he asked me what was most important to me in a relationship. I told him I was looking for safety and security. I was looking for authenticity.
Every day of the past six months, he has gone above and beyond to deliver on that qualification. I now know that that is a bare minimum to what a genuinely good guy will bring into your life.
Here’s a few other things that he will bring into your life:
A Sanctuary From Anxiety
I have a racing mind which can easily become anxious. Instead of asking me why I’m so worried and driving myself crazy, he calms me down. He lets me get it out. He takes my anxiety seriously and provides a safe space for me to unwind and begin to relax.
Genuine Encouragement
When we had been dating for about four months, I moved on to a new job. It was a challenge. It was more than I had taken on before. He’s been the encouragement to see it through and learn it when I’ve wanted to quit.
He knows my love for writing. He asks me every day if I’ve written and if not, when I’m going to start.
He’ll Be Good to Those You Love
One of my major projects is cleaning out my mother’s basement. It’s been a five year build up.
He makes time to come over on the weekend to lift and carry.
He makes the time to help instead of the number of things he could be doing.
He’ll Refuse to Leave
When we had been dating less than four months, I got into an at fault accident. I had rear ended someone in front of me who I thought was going to go at a light. I received a careless driving charge but I thought it was going to be worse.
That night, I was really shaken up. I knew that at the scene, there was no injuries but my car was totaled. Every scenerio played through my mind: what if I got arrested? Sued? Lost my liscense?
My mind came up with every worst case scenario.
He came over after work to be with me. I told him maybe being with me was the worst idea he could have. I gave him the chance to leave.
He refused. He told me there was no chance in hell he was leaving.
Commitment like that stays.
He’s Well Built for Life Experiences
Knowledge is sexy. A good guy will be able to give advice and knowledge from his and others experiences.
He’ll also be Keen on learning and will want to try new things.
Conclusion
After years of being run down by the guys I dated, I needed someone that would encourage me. I needed someone able to calm me down when my anxious mind was racing not make it worse.
After six months, I’ve learned that a good guy should be able to do that and more.
The bare minimum is being able to provide safety. Once you find a good guy, you realize that he’ll be willing to provide a lot more emotionally.
