Being Vulnerable is Hard Work
but for the right reasons it’s worth it
On Friday night, I had my first date in 3 years. After being with a narcissist on and off for 7 months in 2016, I took a few years off. I needed time to find myself and define what I really wanted. I needed to be in a relationship with myself.
When I went on that break, I didn’t know how to be happy by myself. I was constantly on the search for “my other half”. Those three years were an investment- in myself, in my heart and in learning to be content.
They were also a chance for me to begin to undo the damage that had been done by guys in the past that weren’t right for me. The guys who had rejected me for whatever reason or sometimes no reason at all. The ones who had broken my heart by word and by action.
I think I’ve been afraid of being vulnerable for years. It’s hard to be vulnerable in front of others, even when they make you feel comfortable and at peace. It’s hard to open up to someone new about your life, your likes and interests. It’s sometimes panic-inducing to wonder what they’ll really think when they know the real you.
Vulnerability is hard, because, to be honest, a lot of us know the sting of rejection first hand. Sometimes rejection comes from things we have no control over. However, whether we can control the things that put us out of the in crowd or not, it still hurts.
That hurt compiles the more it happens. We build walls to provide ourselves, a sanctuary. To keep others out, where they have no influence on us.
I’ve done that for what feels like years. I still have a lot of times where I have different comfort zones around different people.
We make others prove themselves to us in an attempt to gain our trust. That puts strain on our relationships. We lose time with people who could be the perfect friends for us because we don’t trust them at the start. We push away opportunities to do things that we later dream we had the courage to do.
Vulnerability is also hard because it demands us to own our own struggles. To own our own insecurities. Maybe we don’t accept who we really are to begin with. It’s hard to ask someone else to love and accept us when we haven’t done the same for ourselves.
Maybe instead it’s a fear of letting someone see the warts in our image. We want to have that persona that is perfect, whatever we think that image is.
For me, I’ve always wanted the tough girl image. The one who never cries, is always up for the party and who doesn’t let ordinary things hurt her. The girl who was maybe a little too dangerous to love.
In reality, I’m a softy. I cry when I get frustrated, and my heart breaks over the smallest thing. I’m the girl who will be messaging a girl that I know is struggling, asking her to let me in. I have both anxiety and a high form of depression. So, the tough girl that never lets anything bother her helps me to get through the day, but that’s not who I really am.
Opening up about those needs and who we truly are is hard work. However, I’ve learned in the past year that it’s worth it. Not everyone is going to accept you and love you. However, there are plenty of people that will love you. They will take the time to get to know you and not just throw you away.
There are people who will see the value in you once you allow yourself to be open. If anything, I’ve learned that it’s a bonding experience to let someone know the real you.
So, if needed, keep the image. However, don’t be so hard that no one can reach you.
Generally, getting past the fear of being vulnerable starts with ourselves. Do we trust ourselves enough to show who we really are? Is there soul work that needs to happen before we can do that?
It then extends to giving people a chance. Being willing to give people a clean slate when you first meet them. If they prove themselves unworthy, then set healthy boundaries. However, at first, step out of your comfort zone. Let people get to know who you are.
It’s nervewrecking and scary, but the more it’s done, the easier it gets. It doesn’t have to be a rush of action. It can be as simple as saying yes to a lunch date with a potential friend.
Let that experience be the setup for future success. Let people prove you wrong.
