8 Lessons to Learn From Self-Appointed Singleness
Why Taking a Year Off the Dating Game Changes Your Life
I grew up in a traditional Christian household. The virtue of purity was stressed and taking long periods of time before dating were encouraged. Naturally, once I hit my teenage years, I wanted everything to do with dating and relationships that I cold have.
That led me down a slew of bad dating decisions. That slew was a series of disasterous situations and hard disappointment. It also led me further and further away from who I really was and what I wanted. I felt every single compromise that I made in full.
In retrospect, only one of the relationships was worth it. That relationship lasted for 10 months and honestly, I felt that he was my soulmate. We broke up over the fact that I wanted him to get clean. He was in the IT field and was getting laid off from his present company.
However, that was the relationship that taught me how to put someone else first. It was the relationship that taught me that it was okay to be vulnerable. It gave me a beacon of happiness for a while, which actually gave me hope for long-term happiness in the future.
After we broke up, I went right back into the fire. I took time to heal properly from my ex and then chose someone who would be terrible to me. Once again, the decisions I made in that relationship took me further and further away from knowing who I was, my purpose, and what I wanted.
I tolerated things that in retrospect, never should have happened. He flirted with other girls in front of me, had me pay for everything, never called and used my feelings against me.
When we split ways, I decided to actually listen to what was preached in my childhood years. I decided to start a journey that would take me three years. However, I started with a one year commitment. One year where I wanted to get back to who I was, and to reset the mindset I had towards relating to the men who came into my life.
Those three years taught me a lot. However, if I had to chomp that down to the first year, here are the lessons I learned.
You learn how to be friends with the preferred gender
Once you’ve decided to take time off of the field, you no longer look at people as a potential mate. You look at them as potential friends. Somewhere in that year that friendship may turn into actual feelings, but you don’t start there.
You’re no longer looking to fill a slot, and therefore begin to learn more. You learn each person’s traits. You begin to learn what makes an ideal friend. You learn their strengths and weaknesses, but you also learn everything without blinders.
Your mindset begins to shift
It’s hard to describe, but once you’ve taken time off the game, you look at things differently. You have more clarity, both in what you really need (now and later) and how to spot a knock off from the real deal. You also begin to learn that you don’t need someone to complete you. You are complete on your own, you need to find someone who compliments you.
You Learn About Yourself
You have more time to focus on yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses? What do you really want out of life? What do you really value and why? What crazy dreams do you have that until now you haven’t had the time or energy to pursue?
At the beginning of my time, I couldn’t answer any of the above questions. However, with the time that I freed up, I had more time to really question what I wanted and who I was. I’ve made some good strides with what I’ve identified.
This might be a good time to take up a new hobby, take a personality test or learn the five love languages. This is a time to learn what proper self-care looks like for you and to employ what you learn.
Until you know how to take care of yourself, you won’t be ready or able to take care of someone else. So, why not take the time and invest it in a relationship with yourself?
You learn to stand alone
If the idea of being alone for the rest of your life terrifies you, it’s ok. That’s a normal reaction. However, it’s also something to look into. What scares you about it and what’s the worst that can happen?
When you take intentional time off, you learn to be what you need. You learn to be your own provider, defender, best friend and caretaker. You learn to fulfill your own needs.
This makes it better if you end up not finding someone who is worth your time (your expectations will naturally raise). It also makes it easier once you do find someone worthwhile.
If you’ve learned to be self-sustaining, there is no longer a desperation to be with the wrong person. You have already learned to be what you need. That frees you up to focus on finding someone who adds to your life and keeps you from putting unrealistic expectations on the person you eventually will date.
You open yourself up to new experiences
There are things that are just easier to do as a single. Travel is easier because you get to do exactly what you want when you want. Concerts are more fun when you don’t have to worry about someone else’s experience. Even going out to dinner with yourself and a journal can be an enjoyable experience.
What are the things that you want to do but have put off until now? Use the freed up time and energy to date yourself and try new things. Go do that dance class, join the crafting club or spend more time in the library.
You Forget How to Compromise
So many times we overlook the things about someone because we want them to be the perfect person. We all have flaws and these should be accepted. However, have you ever overlooked a deal breaker just because you wanted that person?
I’m not talking about the little things here. I’m talking about the characteristics and warning signs that we often overlook because we want the person so badly that we are willing to overlook the signals.
When you spend time by yourself while not dating, you become more aware of the things that could be dangerous in a relationship. You learn to pay attention to the warning signs and you forget how to explain those down. Within the first year, you begin to make better decisions about what you will tolerate going forward.
Your Other Friendships Deepen
If you’ve ever been in a relationship that takes you away from your friends, even marginally, you understand this one. When dating someone, it’s easy to put them first and begin to pull away from your friends so you can spend more time with that special someone.
The opposite is also true. By not dating you get that time back to spend developing friendships with both genders. You are free to do whatever you want to do when you want to do it. This can lead to choosing to spend time at events with friends or making new friendships that will be meaningful to you. The time that is spent getting to know others better and doing things together tends to pay off substantially.
You Begin to Change
By spending time dating yourself and learning yourself inside and out, you change. You begin to have a clarity about who you are, your mission and how you want to spend time. You begin to become more of who you are without the distraction.
There’s a saying to forget finding the right person and start becoming the right person for someone else. When you take the time to develop yourself, you begin to become the right person for yourself. It’s when you have a sense of who you are, what you deserve and you are the right person for yourself, the relationships you draw become healthier.
The yearly version of this challenge is not always an easy path. However, it’s one that taught me a lot about who I was and led me to learn that I was okay on my own. However, this is not a path for everyone.
What is universal is that self-love must be a priority. Whether that is developed during a year like this or just in setting aside time everyday. Self-love sets the groundwork for every other relationship in life.
Looking back, I would choose this path again. Right now, I’m in the sweet spot where, after learning these lessons I can apply them. However, I’ve also learned that if things don’t work out, I’m strong enough to stand alone.
If you’re completely burnt out from the dating world, why not take six months to a year to just date yourself and learn to be happy?
This story is published in Romance Monsters, a new Medium publication that focuses on changing the way we look at romance by breaking the stigma and being real about love.
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